I woke somewhat before the alarm, so I had some time to just lie and think. Sometimes after a session like that I truly wonder how the contents of my mind all came together the way they have. Such a mix of ideas, subjects, opinions.
But one thought that kept returning was about grief. Recently a friend’s daughter died. An alcoholic who kept hiding the worst from her family, eventually her organs failed and she died. A youngish woman attractive, very bright, a successful career in her chosen field, warmhearted, friendly. Not someone who seemed to have problems.
How families cope with loss, some guilt, some anger, is something that interests me.
Parents whose adult child dies before them must have quite a mix of emotions to deal with. Sadness, at various levels, depending on how close they were. Emptiness or loss, depending again how close they were. Frustration if they knew something but were prevented from taking action to help, or were too far away to be able to help. Anger at the child if it was due to something they did or did not do. Guilt, as if they could somehow have prevented it, and guilt at living on while their child was dead.
My heart goes out to my friend, but at a detached level I wonder how he is coping.
I know I deal with grief by being busy, taking time out to be alone to be able to cry, scream, blame, demand and all those things it seems to take to move on to remembering the best of the person who has died. I occasionally (usually at the funeral) can’t cope and have a tear flooded sobbing session. Very embarassing.
I suspect those who seem unable to move on, accept the death and remember the past without letting themselves be free of it,; these people need to go off and actively do their grieving,
Viewfromtheside's Blog 
Very deep early morning thoughts, compared with my, ‘I could do with a cup of tea …’!
Such loss must be terribly difficult to cope with, particularly if it seems to have been ‘avoidable’.
Col, I don;t know if it was really avoidable, some people are physically addicted and just can;’t stop.
My children dying before me is not something I can bear thinking about.
Very few parents can even bring themselves to imagine it.
My grandmother struggled for years after the death of my father. She was a (mostly) recovering alcoholic and I wonder now if she couldn’t do the ‘active’ grieving for fear other demons would be unleashed?
You never really know what goes on inside someone else’s psyche, do you?
I usually ignore pain or grief. I am very good at suppressing bad emotions, bad memories. . . However, I am weary of the lid popping off some day 🙂 I would not know, but I’d imagine for a parent to lose a child, of any age, would be devastating . . . I have a friend who lost a young boy, and every year on his birthday, she ends up in bed, too grief stricken to work or even get out of bed . . . Must be something else, that pain . . . Thanks for sharing! 🙂
I think one has to process big emotions somehow, otherwise they do fester.
I can imagine how hard it is for your friend.
Fester, they do, yes . . . I will sort through it one day. Yes, and there is no written or spoken word in this entire universe that could rid her of that grief . . .
Only she can do it for herself, though a good councellor could lead her through it
Do you think a councilor will help after years of that aggravation and guilt? Seems rock solid and determined to stay . . .
It depends on what she wants. You can lead a horse to water but some will drown before thwy will drink
I’m not sure I’ve learnt to deal with grief and bereavement yet.
I think for most it is instinct how you do.
It needs to be out and public – people are very kind and generous in my experience. Mourning is very very important – you may never get over the loss of someone but you must carry on living
A crying session from me is notsomething that i want to impose on the world too often.
I think there are people you never get over missing, but as you say, you have to get on with life
Such a tragic story, sidey. To lose a child is unthinkable, but in this way, it must be doubly so.
AD I think it is worse than accidental death or a dancer or similar death, as you always fell it could be somehow overcome
Early morning thoughts. They are I believe a significant part of my life. I was very interested in what you had to say in this post. I can think of various examples about grief, my own and where I’ve come across it in people I knew quite well or even in people I didn’t know all that well. Your examples sound familiar to me. There are after all similarities in people all over the world. Each one of us is unique, and each one of us can find other people with similar problems and feelings that we come up with.
We are all to a degree similar. Some hide emotions and some go overboard