Recently, in a large-ish meeting room when there were several conversations going on, I caught the eye of the person I wanted to show something to on my laptop, and beckoned to her, with a gesture that to me is not impolite, crooking my fingers at her.
As she walked round the room she started telling everyone how rude that was. In her culture that is how you attract the attention of a lowly creature, such as a dog.
I apologised and explained how, for me, it was more polite to use a hand gesture than to try and shout over the others in the room. With goodwill on both sides it was quickly sorted out, but I am careful not to gesture to her again.
The differences in what is considered polite and what is regarded as “not good manners” between societies can be huge.
Sometimes I wonder how on earth people from different backgrounds can manage to get along when so many things we take for granted do not mean the same to others. Then I think of a story, told to me by my mother when she was explaining that consideration of others was the basis for good manners anywhere.
When Jan Smuts (who had been a General fighting against the British in the Anglo-Boer war) was later making a formal visit (as politicians do) to London, he was entertained at some event that included the Queen. He in his somewhat rough way (a boer is literally a farmer) scooped peas onto his knife to eat them. The Queen, apparently not wishing to embarrass him, did the same, eliminating any comment from others at the table.
Viewfromtheside's Blog 
What a great display of consideration for JS, Sidey.
A great story, too. Thank you.
John
It was consideration, the sort that makes people great.
Good for the Queen! Far better to make folks feel at “home” than to condemn them for their ignorance of etiquette.
exactly, a real lady!
How on earth do people eat peas on a knife????
carefully?
It does show that one should be sure of the norms in a culture before taking offence. The classic example is of a person from a black culture sitting immediately in the presence of an interviewer, to show respect by not being higher than the latter – who, of course, then regards it as a lack of manners.
some people assume that only their norms are correct, they incdeed have no manners
Agree fully!
What a lovely story, Sidey! I tend to turn my fork upside down to scoop them up – when nobody’s looking, of course!
it is far more sensible than trying to chase them all over the table!
I had the exact same situation many years ago with the hand gesture. But the person in question was quite obnoxious about it and considering his job was that of a messenger between departments I am pretty sure he had been summoned by a hand gesture before. No doubt he would not have told off senior management but thought I was fair game.
There has to be give and take on both sides of the cultural divide, arrogance only breeds intolerance.
strange how long it can take before someone opens up about what they think is rude.
of course that is all tangled up with the issue of when to compkain, and what is or is not rude
The wonder is that we have not had more wars 🙂
do a conflict of manners ever provoke a war? Imagine dying in the trenches because someone wants you to cock the pinky when slurping your tea
Yes they do; imagined or accidental slights lead to conflict, which is the heart of war.
dreadful thought…
i got moaned at all weekend for pointing to inanimate objects in my excitement as it was rude…
hehe, who or what moaned?
Thank you, I enjoyed that very much. The pea incident reminds me of a fabulous scene in Doctor Who from the classic season, where Leela (companion to Tom Baker’s Doctor) who, as a warrior of the Sevateem, sits down to dinner in a Victorian dining room. When invited to eat, she picks up a leg of meat and bites into it. Her host – pretty much like the queen – does no more than pick up the other leg and do likewise.
Of course, it’s just picking up on George Bernard Shaw’s line for Higgins in Pygmalion: “It’s not about having good manners, or bad manners, but having the same manner to all.”
but is consistency enough?
ahh, now I always thought Shaw was talking about treating people with equal respect and not respect based on class or status?
hehe, I also assumed that, but pulling your leg was irrisistable – forgive me?
Lol – I’ll send the cat round
to wash me or to be cuddled and tickled?
He’s not that kind of cat…
Wait till he meets me….
He’s a criminal mastermind…
they all are
It’s amazing how something we consider polite is an insult to others!
It is scary. There someone is being as polite as they were brought up to be and WHAM, people are cross!
Consideration, manners, apologetic (the latter, to me is not a sign of weakness, though in some cultures it is)……and a smile once in awhile doesn’t hurt either.
it is a sign of a good person
Oversensitive so-and sos, lol. Well done Queen Victoria, though! Who would have thought///
zakly, but then a lady does what she can to make everyone feel at ease
can the same be said of Bloody Mary though? does chopping heads off, left right and center make people feel at ease? maybe the folk on her side…everyone else…busted?
maybe she was just a queen and not also a lady?
hmmmmm, serious contemplation so early in the morning – would you like a shot of something or other in your coffee to make the madness go away?
hoping that my decision yesterday (and it is being acted on) will soon stop the pre-dawn wakefulness
you’ve decided to go the route of doping?
not doping, leaving a project
ooops – see how easy it is to get the wrong end of the cat’s tail?
no, the ends are quite different. I suggest you wear your specs 😉
the thick coke bottle one?
yup!
note to self – get them cleaned!
shiny!
*bufs with cloth* extra shiny
gooooood boy!
hehe – is this where I play dead and the cat chews my arm?
yes
Bonus!
Let’s hope the queen does not take on too many husbands when JZ is visiting just too make him feel comfortable!!!
hehehe, what a wonderful idea